people Archives - Zamai Banje

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September 29, 2024

Friendships: The Ultimate Life Hack for Mental Health Challenges

Friendships are the ultimate life hacks to solve stress, anxiety, and even addiction.

One of the greatest thinkers of our time – Simon Sinek said the above statement and it blew my mind.

Why was friendship the ultimate hack? How does it solve mental health challenges?

Simon explains how in a conversation with Trevor Noah. I am sharing his thoughts with you here:

The Sacrifice of Friendship for Success

When we say we have sacrificed something for our career. We should not be afraid to put a name to who that sacrifice was. Because often time, it was the people in our lives that we call friends.

Your friends will be there for you. Your work won’t.

Friendships

Are you a Good Friend?

You usually make friends from school, work, church and other gatherings.

And then you let the location and time influence these friendships. This means you are unable to keep and maintain your friendships when you are not close to them. Please don’t leave your friendship to coincidence.

But to be a good friend, you have to ask yourself these questions.

Have you sacrificed a meeting to hang out with a friend? Do you call your friends on their birthday and sing them happy birthday? Or do you just put a thing on social media saying happy birthday because you saw everybody else put it on social media.

When a friend is depressed, do you go over to their house, sit, watch movies, eat ice cream all day and be depressed with them?

Have you told your friend – I love you? Not love you or love ya? But I love you. The way you know these things matter is how it made you feel when these things were done to you.

How to Keep and Maintain Friendships

Trevor Noah narrates a story:

“I was on a trip to Greece a few years ago. If you’ve ever been to any of these places where people are on boats and having a great time in the water, it hypnotizes you. Then I turned to one of the Greek guys I was with, and I said Nick,

If I was trying to get a boat, what boat should I get?

I’ll never forget this… His friend jumped in, and he said:

Trevor Noah, let me tell you something – the best boat is your friend’s boat.

It was a joke that had so many layers because if you own a boat there’s a lot of stress. You don’t want to own a boat unless you really love boats. But the thing I found profound was this.

Everybody who has a boat needs friends to be on that boat with them. And if everybody works to get the boat no one has time to have friends to come on the boat with them. Every boat I know is full of friends who are on that boat.”

Trevor Noah’s message is simple. Work on your friendship so you enjoy your best moments better together.

The Power of Asking for Help

We don’t build trust by offering help. You build trust by asking for it.

If someone is your friend especially if they have been there for you, don’t be selfish to deny them the honor of allowing your friends to be there for you. The reverse should happen too.

This is when you know a friend is a friend.

Friendship vs. Success: Prioritizing People Over Work

Finding the balance between friendship and success is a bit difficult in today’s times.

In our society, it is possible to show up as a family person. You can show up as a CEO. Showing up as a president is also possible.

Yet society does not deem it nice or important to show up as a friend. The society does not prioritize friendships.

You must have noticed it is more remarkable to have an amazing experience with someone than by yourself. When you say, “look what I did” versus “do you remember that time we did that”. The latter is a better feeling than the former.

How Ignoring Friendships affects Romantic Relationships

There is a big and underrated lesson here.

Abandoning or ignoring friendships has affected romantic relationships. Because people have now shifted all the expectations, the support, the love gotten from a community of friends to one person. We have abandoned those outside places and asking our partners to be everything all the time always.

This is an unreasonable and unfair standard to put on someone. Or to be put on you as well.

What does it all mean?

I like how Trevor Noah concludes their conversation with this adage:

A person is a person only because of the people. I guess King Solomon already knew this because he said it twice:

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”

That’s all. I hope this helps

Wishing you the best of friendships.

This email was an excerpt from a conversation between Simon Sinek and Trevor Noah. You can watch the full conversation here

September 22, 2024

Solomon’s Paradox: How to Counsel Yourself Right

Let me tell you when I first encountered Solomon’s paradox.

As a born strategist, I learnt chess as a young child by playing my fellow peers in high school.

We used to form a ring in the classroom where the players sit at the middle with the chessboard. Then the remaining people – the spectators stood and watched the moves of the players.

And every single time, I noticed a pattern.

Whenever I was a spectator, I saw the best moves each player would have made. Their mistakes. And how the game will eventually end.

As non-players, we would nod in approval when one of the players made a good move. We giggled or gasped if a bad move is done.

Yet, when I was in the middle, either playing black or white – there was friction. I don’t see the game clearly as when I spectated. Mistakes were always bound to happen.

Does the Bystanders See better than the Players?

Our teachers used to say, that the spectators often see the game better because they are not pressured or making the moves themselves.

This pretty much happens to everyone in life, but I only connected it later.

When people are thinking about significant life issues, they frequently concentrate on the specific details of their own experiences, which hinders their ability to see things from a wider angle and is counterproductive to logic.

Why is this so?

This is because we don’t see the world the way it is, we see the world the way we are. We are emotionally invested in our own circumstances but logical when evaluating those of others.

The psychologists called this phenomenon – Solomon’s Paradox.

Solomon’s Paradox – Visualization Credit: Pejman Milani

Why did they call it Solomon’s Paradox?

Because you see… King Solomon was famous in the Old Testament for his extraordinary wisdom. He was regarded as one of the most brilliant individuals to have ever lived.

Yet, King Solomon had a disorganized personal life:

Hundreds of wives and concubines. Lack of interest in his children’s upbringing. Obsession with wealth and money.

To put it briefly, King Solomon was an excellent advisor but a bad one at applying the same counsel to his own situation.

You have at some point found yourself in Solomon’s Paradox.

You are impartial, and logical, when you are thinking about the issues that other people are facing.

When you think about your own issues, you become volatile, emotional, and illogical.

Solomon’s Paradox strikes when you give others clear, logical viewpoints and guidance but are unable to give yourself the same kind of clarity and reason.

How do you then break out of it?

I love the strategies recommended by Sahil Bloom. Firstly, Create Space. Then zoom out.

Create space from your emotional decisions.

You tend to make poor decisions because of your emotional attachment to a situation. The secret to getting out of the paradox is to give the situation some distance. Either physically or emotionally.

To create this space, you must pause, reset and engage.

Pause to give yourself time to react—whether it’s a few seconds, minutes, hours, or days. Reset by reminding yourself that you are in charge of what happens after you give yourself permission to experience the emotional reaction.

Then engage the situation with a more balanced perspective.

Zoom out to gain a wider perspective

Like a chess player, you live your life zoomed in.

This creates challenges. Because of this view, your progress appears smaller than it actually is. And your difficulties appear greater than they are.

Zooming out gives you perspective on the remarkable extent of your progress the real nature of your difficulties.

That’s all it takes…

A wiser man after Solomon’s era summarized these strategies to escape this paradox:

“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own?

How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?

Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. (Matthew 7:3-5)”

Solomon’s Paradox serves as an important reminder that while we’re all excellent at giving advice, we’re not so good at following it.

Create space and zoom out. That’s how you escape your Solomon’s paradox.

September 8, 2024

Johari Window: The Best Way to Increase Your Self-Awareness

The Johari Window is an easy and scientifically proven method to help you increase your self-awareness and your understanding of others.

I learnt this technique this week.

You see, a long time, two psychologists developed a framework to help people better understand their relationship with themselves and others. Their names were Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham. And guess what they called it…

“The Johari Window”

They named the model using a combination of their first names. These psychologists made the right naming choice. Because the Johari Window soon became a widely used model for understanding and training self-awareness, personal development, interpersonal relationships and team building.

And here’s how you can take advantage of this model.

How does this model work?

The Johari Window enhances your perception about yourself and how others see you.

This model is based on two ideas – Feedback and Disclosure. You can acquire trust by revealing information about yourself to others (Disclosure). And you can also acquire trust by learning more about yourself from others’ feedback.

The Johari Window represents you through four quadrants or rooms.

Each of the four rooms represents a personal detail, motivation, emotion, and whether you or others know the information, from four different perspectives.

What are the Four Rooms of the Johari Window?

Two of these rooms represent self and the other two represent the part unknown to self but to others:

The Open Room:

This part represents your conscious self that you are aware of and that others know.

Your attitudes, behaviors, motivations, values and way of life. This zone becomes your open self because you and others know it. You move within this arena with freedom.

In this room, you are an “open book.”

The Hidden Room:

This represents the things you know about yourself but others do not know.

The hidden room or façade can be any personal information which you feel reluctant to reveal. Your feelings, past experiences, fears and secrets. You might keep this information private because it affects your relationships with others.

The hidden room reveals deep insights, because how you see yourself is inconsistent with how you behave.

The Blind Spot:

This zone represents the things others see but you do not know.

Other people are bound to interpret yourself differently than you expect. So it’s important to approach this room with curiosity, not defensiveness. Ask questions to learn more about their perspectives.

After hearing their answers, ask them – What actions and behavior have I done that led to your answers. See your blind spot as a great opportunity to learn and increase your self-awareness.

The Unknown Room:

This is information unknown to yourself and others.

Underestimated abilities. Repressed or subconscious feelings. Conditioned behaviour or attitudes from childhood. These are examples of the unknown room.

You can unlock your unknown room through varying processes, either by self-discovery or observation by others.

How to use the Johari Window

Your target becomes simple now that you fully understand each room of the Johari Window.

Expanding your open room at the expense of the unknown and Blind spot results in greater knowledge of yourself. Voluntary disclosing your private room in greater interpersonal intimacy and friendship.

Reduce your blind spot by seeking feedback from others. Move information from the hidden room by taking time to reveal aspects of yourself to others. Then explore your unknown room by discovering your hidden abilities or by observing other people.

Most importantly, increase your open room to fully maximize your Johari Window.

What is the Ideal Johari Window?

A person with an ideal Johari Window has a significant open room.

Your goal is to expand this public domain. Do this by disclosing more about yourself to others. Also accept feedback from others.

A significant public domain shows that people know you well and that you are conscious of your own capabilities, emotions, and behaviors. This understanding between you and others improves your own effectiveness and makes social interactions easier.

You might even start feeling like Gojo Satoru at some point.

The greatest in your era.