Tag: Self-awareness (page 1 of 6)

Solomon’s Paradox: How to Counsel Yourself Right

Let me tell you when I first encountered Solomon’s paradox.

As a born strategist, I learnt chess as a young child by playing my fellow peers in high school.

We used to form a ring in the classroom where the players sit at the middle with the chessboard. Then the remaining people – the spectators stood and watched the moves of the players.

And every single time, I noticed a pattern.

Whenever I was a spectator, I saw the best moves each player would have made. Their mistakes. And how the game will eventually end.

As non-players, we would nod in approval when one of the players made a good move. We giggled or gasped if a bad move is done.

Yet, when I was in the middle, either playing black or white – there was friction. I don’t see the game clearly as when I spectated. Mistakes were always bound to happen.

Does the Bystanders See better than the Players?

Our teachers used to say, that the spectators often see the game better because they are not pressured or making the moves themselves.

This pretty much happens to everyone in life, but I only connected it later.

When people are thinking about significant life issues, they frequently concentrate on the specific details of their own experiences, which hinders their ability to see things from a wider angle and is counterproductive to logic.

Why is this so?

This is because we don’t see the world the way it is, we see the world the way we are. We are emotionally invested in our own circumstances but logical when evaluating those of others.

The psychologists called this phenomenon – Solomon’s Paradox.

Solomon's Paradox

Solomon’s Paradox – Visualization Credit: Pejman Milani

Why did they call it Solomon’s Paradox?

Because you see… King Solomon was famous in the Old Testament for his extraordinary wisdom. He was regarded as one of the most brilliant individuals to have ever lived.

Yet, King Solomon had a disorganized personal life:

Hundreds of wives and concubines. Lack of interest in his children’s upbringing. Obsession with wealth and money.

To put it briefly, King Solomon was an excellent advisor but a bad one at applying the same counsel to his own situation.

You have at some point found yourself in Solomon’s Paradox.

You are impartial, and logical, when you are thinking about the issues that other people are facing.

When you think about your own issues, you become volatile, emotional, and illogical.

Solomon’s Paradox strikes when you give others clear, logical viewpoints and guidance but are unable to give yourself the same kind of clarity and reason.

How do you then break out of it?

I love the strategies recommended by Sahil Bloom. Firstly, Create Space. Then zoom out.

Create space from your emotional decisions.

You tend to make poor decisions because of your emotional attachment to a situation. The secret to getting out of the paradox is to give the situation some distance. Either physically or emotionally.

To create this space, you must pause, reset and engage.

Pause to give yourself time to react—whether it’s a few seconds, minutes, hours, or days. Reset by reminding yourself that you are in charge of what happens after you give yourself permission to experience the emotional reaction.

Then engage the situation with a more balanced perspective.

Zoom out to gain a wider perspective

Like a chess player, you live your life zoomed in.

This creates challenges. Because of this view, your progress appears smaller than it actually is. And your difficulties appear greater than they are.

Zooming out gives you perspective on the remarkable extent of your progress the real nature of your difficulties.

That’s all it takes…

A wiser man after Solomon’s era summarized these strategies to escape this paradox:

And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own?

How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?

Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. (Matthew 7:3-5)

Solomon’s Paradox serves as an important reminder that while we’re all excellent at giving advice, we’re not so good at following it.

Create space and zoom out. That’s how you escape your Solomon’s paradox.

Real Eyes, Realize, Real Lies

The concept of real eyes probably comes from how some bankers can detect fake money in seconds.

Yes, bank tellers and cashiers receive training on how to recognize counterfeit money with their hands. Banks constantly show them the texture, security features, and printing of the genuine currency. These bank employees eventually handle real money all the time that they can now tell when a note does not feel the way it should.

This special training reminds me of this famous phrase – Real Eyes Realize Real Lies.

The statement plays on the homophonic nature of the words:

  1. “Real Eyes” – Seeing things as they truly are, without deception or illusion.
  2. “Realize” – To become fully aware or understand clearly.
  3. “Real Lies” – Actual deceptions or falsehoods, as opposed to minor or white lies.

Two things are emphasized here. Awareness and Insight.

“Real Eyes Realize Real Lies” suggests that those who truly “see” or perceive reality (i.e., those with “real eyes”) can “realize” or understand the truth, and in doing so, they can discern or detect “real lies” (deception or falsehoods).

Let’s break down this phrase together and check if it applies to you.

Developing Real Eyes

Seeing things as they truly are means you must perceive reality clearly without your bias.

Observe the world objectively and accurately. Free from deception or self-deception. It’s about recognizing the truth of a situation, free from wishful thinking, assumptions or false appearances.

To develop “real eyes”, you must understand the facts. First, be aware of your own biases, emotions and thought patterns. Then, give yourself the space to process information thoroughly before making decisions or forming opinions.

To see reality, you must look deeper to understand underlying truths.

Real Eyes Realize Real Lies

Real Eyes Realize Real Lies

How to Realize

The next step is to become fully aware and understand clearly.

To “realize”, you must understand. And understanding comes from learning. Constantly seek to educate yourself, ask questions and explore new perspectives.

See issues from angles you may not have considered and deepen your understanding of the world.

Uncovering Real Lies

When someone tells you real lies, they present false information or conceal the truth.

Beneath the surface, they are deliberately attempting to mislead or deceive you with the intent to harm or gain an advantage. It can be gaslighting, cheating or manipulation. Or straight up fraud

Truth is still superior to facts.

To uncover real lies, you must always verify information. Trust but verify. Challenge unclear or vague statements with follow-up questions to see if the story holds up.

By being observant, verifying claims, and staying aware of common deceptive tactics, you can better protect yourself from significant lies and manipulation.

What Matters Most

In the end, you must value critical thinking and skepticism.

Encourage yourself to question what you are told. Seek a deeper understanding of reality. Make wise decisions and prevent yourself from being deceived.

When you see clearly (with “real eyes”), you become aware of (“realize”) the deceptions (“real lies”) around you. In other words, it suggests that by looking at the world with clarity and wisdom, you can discern the truth from falsehoods and see through deceptions.

Be the banker that can detect fake money in seconds.

Real Eyes Realize Real Lies.

Johari Window: The Best Way to Increase Your Self-Awareness

The Johari Window is an easy and scientifically proven method to help you increase your self-awareness and your understanding of others.

I learnt this technique this week.

You see, a long time, two psychologists developed a framework to help people better understand their relationship with themselves and others. Their names were Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham. And guess what they called it…

“The Johari Window”

They named the model using a combination of their first names. These psychologists made the right naming choice. Because the Johari Window soon became a widely used model for understanding and training self-awareness, personal development, interpersonal relationships and team building.

And here’s how you can take advantage of this model.

How does this model work?

The Johari Window enhances your perception about yourself and how others see you.

This model is based on two ideas – Feedback and Disclosure. You can acquire trust by revealing information about yourself to others (Disclosure). And you can also acquire trust by learning more about yourself from others’ feedback.

The Johari Window represents you through four quadrants or rooms.

Each of the four rooms represents a personal detail, motivation, emotion, and whether you or others know the information, from four different perspectives.

The Johari Window

What are the Four Rooms of the Johari Window?

Two of these rooms represent self and the other two represent the part unknown to self but to others:

  1. The Open Room:

This part represents your conscious self that you are aware of and that others know.

Your attitudes, behaviors, motivations, values and way of life. This zone becomes your open self because you and others know it. You move within this arena with freedom.

In this room, you are an “open book.”

  1. The Hidden Room:

This represents the things you know about yourself but others do not know.

The hidden room or façade can be any personal information which you feel reluctant to reveal. Your feelings, past experiences, fears and secrets. You might keep this information private because it affects your relationships with others.

The hidden room reveals deep insights, because how you see yourself is inconsistent with how you behave.

  1. The Blind Spot:

This zone represents the things others see but you do not know.

Other people are bound to interpret yourself differently than you expect.  So it’s important to approach this room with curiosity, not defensiveness.  Ask questions to learn more about their perspectives.

After hearing their answers, ask them – What actions and behavior have I done that led to your answers. See your blind spot as a great opportunity to learn and increase your self-awareness.

  1. The Unknown Room:

This is information unknown to yourself and others.

Underestimated abilities. Repressed or subconscious feelings. Conditioned behaviour or attitudes from childhood. These are examples of the unknown room.

You can unlock your unknown room through varying processes, either by self-discovery or observation by others.

How to use the Johari Window

Your target becomes simple now that you fully understand each room of the Johari Window.

Expanding your open room at the expense of the unknown and Blind spot results in greater knowledge of yourself. Voluntary disclosing your private room in greater interpersonal intimacy and friendship.

Reduce your blind spot by seeking feedback from others. Move information from the hidden room by taking time to reveal aspects of yourself to others. Then explore your unknown room by discovering your hidden abilities or by observing other people.

Most importantly, increase your open room to fully maximize your Johari Window.

What is the Ideal Johari Window?

A person with an ideal Johari Window has a significant open room.

Your goal is to expand this public domain. Do this by disclosing more about yourself to others. Also accept feedback from others.

A significant public domain shows that people know you well and that you are conscious of your own capabilities, emotions, and behaviors. This understanding between you and others improves your own effectiveness and makes social interactions easier.

You might even start feeling like Gojo Satoru at some point.

The greatest in your era.